WordUp by Chad Gramling

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True Story: During one of my first days of nursery school, I had asked to go to the bathroom. I think I may have had a random bloody nose or had to wash my hands or something. I remember being the sink and after washing my hands and drying them with some paper towels. I was about to turn and leave when all the sudden I hear “Freeze!”

My eyes quickly focused on a finger pointing out the crack where the adjacent stall met the white brick wall behind it. The finger was loaded with a big rubber band. I could see the terrorist’s eyes, nose and part of his mouth as he pressed it against the wall to get a good look at me. I believe he had dark hair.

I cannot recall his exact words, but he told me not to leave or he would fire at me. He further and quite convincingly insisted that he never missed.

I guess I was inclined to believe him, but I wasn’t afraid. I must have been confused by the whole matter, but I stayed. We talked about something and I am pretty sure he informed me he was never going back to class. I think I believed him too.

We remained stationed for several minutes and we continued to talk. Eventually, a female teacher walked in and grabbed the kid. She scolded him and dragged him off by his arm after telling me I could go back to my class.

That was the end of the drama. No mention or note to my parents stating that “Chad was held hostage by a five-year-old terrorist with a rubber band today. And we worked on the letters ‘w’ and ‘x’. For snack we had graham crackers. Chad loves them, but he needs to stop breaking them into so many pieces because it makes a mess.” Okay, that latter part of the note probably did get sent home.

To this day, I have no idea who that kid was or what happened to him. But sometimes I think about it and laugh. It was a simple time and it may be one of the silliest events to ever occur in my life.

Today, we say the word “terrorist” and it evokes much more vivid pictures. You may have even scoffed at my choice of the descriptor, but it’s true. This kid was making a genuine effort to intimidate me and make me modify my behavior at least partially or wholly upon a fear tactic. Do you have a better definition?

Today, we have kids and other individuals plotting much more massive attacks and events of terror. Few people know why and everyone is quickly to place blame everywhere but upon themselves. Today, our society is more lost than ever.

Today, that female teacher would have been sued for violating privacy of little boys in the bathroom or been accused of trying to molest us. Today, the school would have come under fire for not notifying the parents.

It would have resulted in several hours of risk assessment and policy planning sessions to avoid being sued (not with the intent to minimize potential harm to others). The media would be running polls and stories asking how the rubber band terror plot could have been prevented. They would ask how this seemingly normal and innocent kid came into possession of the rubber band and laws would be proposed to eliminate rubber bands and any other office supply that might be considered a weapon of terror from our schools.

Lobbyists for the office supply industry would flock to the House and Senate and threaten legal action, withdrawals of endorsements and financial support. Neo-hippies with self-righteous agendas would be there with signs and protest to counter the actions. There would be a big national debate and we’d have to deal with idle, non-informative updates on television, radio, the news and the web for weeks.

Today, I would have captured the hostage standoff on camera and posted it on YouTube, MySpace, Facebook and any other social media site in existence. I’d be a huge Internet sensation that would cross over onto TV through my appearances on Good Morning America and CNN. I’d have to endlessly answer questions like “Chad, it must have been a very traumatic moment. Do you think your school did enough to protect you and do you worry this will happen to other pre-schoolers across the country.”

At that age, I probably would have not clue how to respond. I’d agree that more needs to be done and I’d paint myself as the victim and collect every sympathy vote that might be cast. But I’d be able to say anything about myself, I’d be cut off for a commercial break.

I’d much rather see the four or five-year-old version of myself laugh at those questions. I’d love to hear little Chad say, “It was a f*ckin rubber band! I coulda turned and walked away any time.” [For the record, I don’t think curse words entered my vernacular until first grade but it sure woulda been great to hear in that situation – carry on.]

Then, I’d be asked “But Chad, it was a clear violation of your rights, how do you feel about that?” I’d laugh again, because I do that to people a lot without realizing it. [For the record, I’m sorry if you’ve ever been on the receiving end and it insulted you – carry on.]

I’d say, “This kid was obviously bothered by something. Maybe his parents are getting divorced or he pee’d his pants and didn’t want the rest of his class to know about the embarrassing situation. Turns out, the kid simply didn’t want to take a nap.”

The whole event could have been avoided if someone had taken one minute of their time to hear him. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

[tags]terror, society, rubber bands, nursery school, sefism, child-rearing, fear, terrorism[/tags]