Inky Indicted on Feline Growth Hormone (FGH) Suspicions

DECEMBER 25, 2007; AUBURN, IND - As many observers expected, Inky, the lovable feline pet of the Gramling family was indicted on federal charges of Feline Growth Hormone (FGH) suspicions. It was a Christmas treat the poor cat never expected. The sensational news comes on the heels of a long investigation and in-depth analysis led by a former Tri-State University Student Senate President, Chad Gramling.

Though nothing in Gramling’s report was surprising, and no additional names or suppliers involved that were not previously reported in the media appear in the report, it is a shocking waste of time and resources to compile such a lengthy document. Gramling refuses to make the whole document public, which brings the document’s existence into question. However, it should provide plenty of fodder for lazy talk-radio personalities and imbecile critics everywhere.

“We’d long suspected inky of utilizing some unknown and unapproved substances for a long time,” said Gramling. “I mean, the cat just keeps growing. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve every witnessed.”

When you consider Inky’s rookie season with the family, pictures reveal that the cat’s size was rivaled by the family’s then pet goldfish.

“We think something was up with those goldfish too, though,” said Chad’s wife Jenny who asked to remain anonymous (but how is that possible?). She added that, “We won those stupid things at the fair and everyone knows they’re sick to begin with and they just shouldn’t get that big.”

Reportedly, the fish spent their remaining days as participants of unknown Koi ponds (despite not being authentic Koi fish). None could be reached for comment or questioning. The middle-man who supplied the fish to the pond owners for the Gramling’s also could not be reached for comment because . . . well, no one tried.

While the family had long suspected the cat’s indiscretions, they really became suspicious following their enforcement of making him what is commonly referred to as an “inside cat” and forbid him to enjoy a lifestyle of tomcatting and shenanigans by going outdoors.

“We had no choice,” Gramling said. “He kept getting in fights and we really don’t think he won any of them.”

Further investigation saw that on two occasions before the Mr. Inky’s new indoor position, he was in two fights that left deep fang bites on his back. “They were just below the back of the neck,” anonymous Jenny explained. “The first time, we took him to the vet because my idiot husband thought Inky got shot by a pellet gun and was ready to fight all our neighbors (fights he would have lost worse than the cat).”

The second time the fang marks were present, the family chose not to take the cat to the vet and instead treated him in the same manner minus the antibiotics the vet has prescribed during the first visit.

In light of the charges, many Cat Fancy writers are already stating they intend not to vote for Inky when he becomes eligible for the Cat Hall of Fame if one is ever to be established. When reached for comment, Inky (through his agent of course) explained his actions:

While I eat a lot of stuff – and I mean a lot of stuff – I have never knowingly taken any Feline Growth Hormone. In fact, I typically resist any medicine that is given to me. I really think this is a terrible Meow-Mix up and anything that might have entered my cat body was the result of recovering from those injuries. I was just trying to get better faster, that’s all. I mean really, I only have nine lives. I’m not gonna screw around with any of them by putting that junk in my system. Not even B12.

“Huh-uh!” says Daphne, the charming big sister of the Gramling clan. “Inky’s mean to me sometimes.”

Chad explained that the girl was obviously referencing the possibility of kitty-roid rage but refused to elaborate stating that it is circumstantial evidence (even though he doesn’t know what that means or if it is). He then further stated that his findings and further details would soon be elaborated upon in the release of a forthcoming book, tentatively titled “Book of Gatos: Inside the Inky Conspiracy.”

[tags]HGH, Human Growth Hormone, FGH, Feline Growth Hormone, Cats, Kitties, parody, steroids, tomcat, The Mitchell Report, Cat Fancy, Meow Mix, Tri-State University, Trine U[/tags]